Motherhood, My Scariest yet

What can be scarier than motherhood? I've been wondering since I got back from hospital where my baby was admitted for days and I've not being able to come up with the right answer.

Investments been scared plenty in my life. I have known fear, the kind that makes everything in you go cold and still. I conquered them. I have always thought there was nothing I can't overcome. I knew I would be scared for a while then I'd get over it, anything.

What I didn't know is that it was easier when you're alone, when it's just you and your head telling you, you are stronger than anything and you can overcome anything all you had to do is be calm.

I didn't know it would be different when you have a little person depending on you, looking up to you for help, needing you to be stronger than you have ever been.

My baby suddenly fell sick without warning and I had to rush him to the hospital. I picked him up and held him to my chest, I could feel his little heart fluttering like a butterfly. His breathing too ragged for a baby. I knew something was wrong but I had no idea what.

The not-knowing is the worst of all fears, when all you can do is anticipate. The only thing is I couldn't anticipate because I couldn't think.

I carried him to the car dragging my crutch with one hand. I opened the door to the driver side and sat down. His eyes were closed though he wasn't sleeping. I held him to my chest and kept rocking him. I could feel my tears soaking my top.

I couldn't drive and I can't walk the distance to the main road to get a cab. The road is rough and wet. My hands wouldn't stop shaking all I could see was me driving us both into a ditch or to another car or worse a truck.

There I thought of all the reasons I shouldn't have had a child. "What was l thinking?" I asked myself for God-knows-how-many-times. "How could I bring a child into the world when I could barely take care of myself?

I then thought of nursing him, his mouth was so hot my nipples stung. He suckled for about two minutes then detached.

Then I prayed, although not really prayers just some ramblings. I asked God to please help me drive the car to the clinic. I begged him to please listen to my prayers not minding that I have been inconsistent since I got pregnant. I gave him to my niece afterwards then drove us to the emergency. I had no idea how I did but we got there in one piece each.

When I entered I saw a guy he looked at me and asked what I wanted. I told him my baby was sick.

" We are closed" he replied without interest. "this is a wring time to bring a baby to our emergency clinic", he added as he walked away.

" Well, my baby didn't tell me he would fall sick, so it's kind of a wrong time for me too." He looked back and stared at us from head to toes. "Okay, come with me. Let me see you before I leave."

I explained the symptoms and what I had given him and done. He wrote some things down and said he would prescribe drugs and injection.

Then I told him of mad heartbeats. He said it must be the fever. "But I will check to put your mind at peace." I nodded.

He got out his equipment, attached one end to his left thumb. He opened his mouth and shook his head. My heart did a double somersault. "What is wrong with him?"

He made a fist and rubbed his chest, then taped it three times, and rubbed again.

"I'm admitting him, he's not getting enough oxygen," he said simply as if telling the rice is not yet done. Hot tears dropped from my eyes in quick succession. Memories of my days on hospital beds flashed before my eyes and disappeared quickly.


"Yes!" I yelled.

"Why are you crying? He will be fine. It's just sometimes, oral drugs take a while to work in cases where some infections have gone deeper. Then we need IVs to get to them and destroy them faster. I nodded severally.

All I could see was my baby going through all I had gone through and all I promised he would never pass through. And all I could think was if I could take his place, that would be the easiest.

Is there anything scarier than motherhood?